i used to love me some sick days.
it started when i was younger. every once in awhile my mom would grant me a “mental health day.” a day to hang with her at the house, baking cookies and watching oprah and reading books. the solitude-loving sometimes introvert in me lived for those days. no need for trying, putting in a face and braving the halls of whatever grade i was in. hell, no need to even get outta my pjs.
but tuesday afternoon when the marriage fairy granted me the most painful UTI i have ever experienced, i was not excited. we tried all the natural remedies first – gallons of water, vitamin C, cranberry extract, a V-steam at my local spa (don’t even ask), antibiotics – and nothing worked.
besides the extra snuggle time with rosy and the guilty pleasure of watching every kardashidan episode possible (i really like them. i’m sorry, i do.), i am super over laying around and feeling like crap. you’d think having a few days off you’d be the most productive person on the planet but that never seems to happen. just kardashidans and homemade nachos. for days. ugh. (UTIs don’t exactly bring out the best version of yourself.)
in spite of all of this bitching and moaning, feeling as i have this past week i also feel extremely, extremely grateful for all of the amazing things my body is capable of and once it kicks in high gear, i can’t wait to get back to it –
sweaty yoga class followed by laying in your own puddle savasana.
home practice on the patio under all of our flowering trees.
hiking toward the smell of the ocean.
running the hill by my house. endorphins + extreme soreness = makes me feel very pleased with myself.
oh, and sexy time. which is exactly what got me here in the first place.
and the reason i don’t like missing out on my daily life anymore?
because i love it. i am blessed to do what i love, to live by the ocean, to be surrounded by amazing people, to have a mostly very healthy body.
and that girl that wanted to miss out on school and daily life every chance she could get?
she doesn’t live here anymore.
hi thirty, it’s very nice to meet ya.
before i go running into this year with arms wide open, i’d like to take a moment to reflect on my twenties.
twenties, i truly owe you. we had a few rough and tumbles but lord were they necessary and i’d like to think i’ve escaped mostly unscathed.
you’ve taken me so many places – the canals of amsterdam, the mountains of switzerland, the coast of my beloved california, and mostly certainly mining deeply into the depths of my own heart. there’s been heartbreak so terrible it took two ambien to sleep (i do not condone this) and love so deep that i ended up in a white dress and cowboy boots. i’ve lost loved ones so special that i sometimes feel them years later in the strangest of moments (martha, you follow me everywhere and remind me to use at least some “discernment” which i’m sure my own mother greatly appreciates.) i now have a tribe of girlfriends so fierce and strong that i have absolutely no doubt nothing could break us. i have a little family with a husband who supports me in all ways and a bulldog daughter that melts my heart.
but i think the most beautiful and what i’m most grateful for is the ability to trust myself and the moment. it sure as hell took a long time to get there.
thank for you for mine and my family’s health. thank you for allowing me to do what i love as “work.” thank you for bringing the most special people into my life. thank for my everchanging practice of sweat, breath and imperfection. thank you for teaching me to not always believe what i think. thank for surprising me. thank for forgiving me. thank you for being messy.
(to those i hurt by being “messy” i’ve spent a lot of time being really sorry and feeling ugly. i have to leave that hurt and that sorry here, very much behind me, and hope that we’ve both grown from it and that we are where we are meant to be. darkness accompanies the light, and it has taken me quite a long time to get acquainted with it.)
in preparation for this coming decade, i sat down with one of my best friends to look at where i am right now and where i want to go. there were painful parts to move through, places where i am still causing myself pain, and beautiful parts that i’m creating every day.
we decided that the words i wanted to focus on for this decade were REAL and RADIANT. real as in authentic conversations, authentic relationships, authentic dreams. real as in not bullshitting anyone about where i am or who i am, in order to be “liked.” radiant as in radiant health, radiant energy, radiant daily goals and intentions.
but after pondering these for awhile i think another word i’d like to add is GRACE. thirty is beautiful but definitely a time of change. my body is changing a bit. my mind. my relationships. and are we start a family at some point during this decade, everything will shift. i don’t want to fight it. i want to embrace it all gracefully. pushing and fighting has always looked so damn ugly to me. just grace.
a few humble requests for this year –
inspiring communication with my husband. a three-day weekend somewhere with just my little brother. a strong body and an open heart. continuing radiant health for my family. a abundant yoga and coaching profession, as well as super fun collaboration. a little less thinking, a bit more breath.
oh, and hey thirty-year-old me,
you are beautiful. you are imperfectly perfect. and i really love you.
go take this decade by the balls.
“the place where you are right now
god circled on a map for you.
wherever your eyes and arms and heart can move
against the earth and sky,
the Beloved has bowed there.
our Beloved has bowed knowing
you were coming.
i could tell you a priceless secret about
your real worth dear pilgrim.
but any unkindness to yourself,
any confusion about others,
will keep one
from accepting the grace, the love!”
matt travels a lot for work. sometimes when he takes off it’s like a little retreat all of my own – lots of yoga, dinner with girlfriends, vino and movies, face masks galore. it’s awesome. unfortunately this is not one of those weeks.
instead i am having one of those weeks where my health isn’t amazing (more on this later, still waiting on a diagnosis), i am feeling needy as hell and a little stressed. yep, i too have weeks like this. big time.
yesterday after teaching, i headed to a doctor’s appointment in beverly hills. i got a little lost which is not surprising or even frustrating because i’m so used to it. then couldn’t get the bathroom open without a key since the valet had it (did you know that some doors open with any key? i was baffled.) lastly, the doctor, though really charming, pretty much discounted everything that was going on in my body then pricked me with more needles (and not in that oohifeelsomuchbetter acupuncture way.) i burst into tears in the car. nothing bad had actually happened. it was just gloomy, it cost me $12 to park my damn car and matt wasn’t around.
when i finally got home, i unrolled my yoga mat in front of the fireplace and just sat down. i practiced for awhile, then laid on my yoga mat and read my book. eventually some thai food arrived and i sat there and ate on my yoga mat. then i turned on “the following” and watched that still on my yoga mat. rosy joined me.
my little life raft right there in the middle of the living room.
i fall more in love with this state every passing day/month/year. pure gorgeousness. pure sunshine.
my parents’ love.
i am immensely grateful for my parents’ love for one another. it has been built very carefully brick by brick, and has been so beautiful to observe as i get older. it’s rare. whether they are picnicking in the living room watching bad reality tv and eating whole foods’ sushi, or wandering venice beach hand in hand, or even traveling the globe, my parents inspire me to keep at love when it’s hard, enjoy it when it’s great, and practice mad gratitude for even getting the chance.