where i’m at.

Posted on July 1st, by mb in gratitude. 12 comments

it’s funny – sometimes words come so easily; they just flow. other times i must force every moment i spend writing. i’m in one of those slumps.

lots of stuff is brewing under the surface. many big shifts in my life are happening – my career, my outlook, my relationship – and all are calling for me to focus, dive in and, in many ways, grow up.

while at home in iowa this weekend, i found myself spontaneously bursting into tears. spending time in the house i grew up in (that my dad also grew up in) seeing my family and friends i have known since i was little, felt strangely hard. it was as though i finally realized how far away my life was in los angeles. what that means for the future, i’m truly not sure, but i do know that matt and my future requires spaciousness, trees, fresh air and really good people. we have so much of that here in los angeles but it comes at a costly price.

family is the most important thing to me in the world, and it definitely expands beyond the few with which i’m blood related. it’s a tribe that you are drawn to. that inspires you. that teaches you lessons. i have no doubt that i’ll continue to find that wherever we might end up, but right now i feel called to get clear with myself. getting clear isn’t always pretty, and doesn’t always result in tidy blog posts with a “moral of the story.”

today it’s just messy, and from the heart, and that’s okay.

12 Responses to “where i’m at.”

  1. Amber says:

    I had an identity crisis right after I got married. It confused me because I was super happy! I think it has something to do with sort of ‘leaving’ your old family to start a new one, bidding adieu to a part of your life that is done forever. I totally relate to your tears at home. For me, it helped clarify what is truly important to me for a happy life. It sounds like you feel the same, and that’s truly a gift. Hang in there, and enjoy all the good things- wherever you are. :)

    • mb says:

      amber! that’s exactly how i’m feeling. you nailed it on the head. i may be seeking you out for advice.

    • Alli H. says:

      It’s funny – I seriously thought I wrote this comment and forgot about it. I JUST was telling someone at work that I had an identity crisis on my honeymoon. I signed in to a yoga class one day with my old last name and then freaked out. Having one name for 26 years and then changing it really messed me up for a second. My maiden name definitely holds more meaning than I had ever thought before!

  2. sperlygirl says:

    i understand…as my work brought me overseas 8 yrs ago. and while i love it here and would not relocate back to my home state – visiting there swells up nostalgia that is hard to swallow at times and makes me feel each and every mile apart. a bittersweetness.

  3. Miki says:

    Your “home” is in your heart. Open wide & let the love in

  4. Douglas Todd Cook says:

    Hi Mary Beth: It is very refreshing to hear from you and your thoughts, an insight into your life. You may not remember me? I am Daniel Cook’s father. From the past I always liked you so it was a real pleasure to hear from you again. Your thoughts are well recieved on my part and I appreciate the insight into your present life and surrounds. Stay well. Hope to hear from you again in the future. Best. Todd Cook

  5. Sean says:

    This is a beautiful post, Mary Beth. I am so happy you can have, explore and understand these feelings. You are in a special place and I revel in being friends with you and watching our friendship grow…and the Bynon’s friendship with all your friends! All good things!


  6. […] blog could more precisely be classified as lifestyle since she talks about her emotions, experiences, goals, fears, things she’s excited about, events she’s organizing or attending, […]

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