getting back in the boat.

Posted on January 22nd, by mb in intention. 15 comments

like, whoa.

there were several times in the past few days when i wished in a big way that i’d stayed a few extra days in switzerland. you know, where life wasn’t exactly real and i laid in a heated outdoor pool with snow falling on my face and ate swiss chocolate like it was my job. because when i got home life got very real – major relationship questions, a swollen knee that landed me in urgent care for the entire day, many other hard conversations.

my friends laugh at times about how enchanting life looks through a blog, especially this one, and i have a tendency, always have, to not want to write about the hard stuff. when i was younger, i used to rip pages about my “bad days” out of my journal. um, not normal. like everybody else, i have great days and hard days. i go through inspiring times and really bad shit. that’s more than okay. that’s life, yeah?

i hadn’t realized how much the pressure of the wedding was weighing on both matt and i. (you know, finances, endless family and friend drama, anxiety, to-do lists. probably pretty par for the course.) i mean i sorta did, but mostly we had just gotten shorter, snappier and more annoyed with one other in the  past few months, and rather than doing something to repair that we just kept charging ahead, acting like this was normal.

if our relationship is a boat, one person was sitting in it and the other person was treading water.

not very inspiring. 

things came a head in a super big, ugly way this weekend and we had to seriously question ourselves – “do we want back in the same boat?”

in every relationship in the past when shit goes wrong, i usually run for the hills (many times with good reason.) sitting there, both of us in tears and feeling the lowest of the low, i realized i didn’t want to go. i was ready to fight, dukes up, and not in the icky way, hitting below the belt way, i have been lately.

i know the way his hair looks in the morning, how it sort of sticks to one side of his head. i have laughed with him til i’ve almost peed my pants, and i’ve always had such awful arguments that i was ready to move to bali. he drives me absolutely insane, and he makes me extremely happy. i hate the way he drives (new yorker all the way). i love his generosity and huge heart – how he’ll cook five-course meals for my friends who normally subsist on nachos and red wine, how he buys gifts for his “nephews and nieces” (friends’ kids) every time we go over, how he supports me in every way he can, when he wrote my brother and i letters from “santa” after we fell asleep christmas eve.

the list goes on and on, and will continue to grow as we do. all we can do is work hard, love hard, and get back in the damn boat.

15 Responses to “getting back in the boat.”

  1. Courtney says:

    Getting married last year put a huge strain on my relationship with my boyfriend. He’d peek his head out from time to time, but I thought I was doomed/committed to this husband guy he was becoming. How could fiance become the f-word?! I’m sure Alex thought his girlfriend had turned into a stressed-out, “honey-do” touting gorilla. Weddings are crazy to orchestrate, but I think a hidden purpose is to give us “busy work” so we don’t have as much time to freak about the concept of “I do”. It’s good weight, but it’s frightening. Alex and I find ourselves distracted by the dazzles in life, I’ve had a hard time facing facts–it’s time to grow up and settle in. This weekend I had the first string of close days with my husband, working on grown-up real life shit, without bickering, without wanting to run. =) I wish you a speedy recovery for your poor knee, and I hope to see you soon. You and your loveboat! xoxo

  2. Seconding Courtney with the wishes for a speedy recovery! Love the openness and honesty with regards to your relationship. I think that it more than makes up for the days of youth and ripping out the “bad day” diary entries!

  3. Lydia says:

    it’s so refreshing to see you write about the less than perfect stuff and still inspire your readers. keep it up – all of it <3

  4. melissa says:

    Love this blog. I am literally old enough to be your Mom but I learn something everytime I read your stuff. This piece is wonderful-you will be fine but I must say I think everyone should rip out the bad day pages. Live through them, learn the lesson then tear them out and be done with the bad stuff.

  5. Jacki carr says:

    Beautiful vulnerability. Beautiful people.

  6. Jasmine says:

    I went through a similar journey before I got married. Being engaged was not a fun time for me! My marriage is in a constant growth phase, and I am always working on my awareness of myself. I don’t always act from my inner wise goddess and he doesn’t always act from his highest self either, we try our best and we learn from our experiences together, as a team – and sometimes, it’s not pretty – but that’s ok. It is a beautiful, beautiful experience, and the love just continues to grow as we figure out the best way to do this thing in each given moment. It’s an adventure!

  7. Amber says:

    This won’t be the last time you have a tricky spot in your relationship- I think it’s awesome that you guys spend time openly communicating through the hard stuff. I also appreciate your sharing it on your blog. My own blog is sort of a ‘best parts of life’ showcase, which isn’t always a good representation of what real life is like. A peek into the bumps along the glorious path helps keep things real. Thank you!

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